The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
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Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?