The worst part about parallel parking are the witnesses.
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My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
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happy birthday to me. i am 25.
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It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
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When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die
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LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
me logging onto twitter
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