The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
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It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.