The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
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Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
“what that mouth do?” complain
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*