The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
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Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
thank god the sign was there
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?