The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
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Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
*watches the world burn*
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Would you wear it?
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Life is a suicide mission.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
I don’t know what to do
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…