The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
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Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Botany good plants lately?
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.