The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
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POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.