the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
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My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.