The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
You Might Also Like
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
This chloroform smells expensiv…
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.