The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
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So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Finally, a door that understands me
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.