the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
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Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much