The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
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This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
I love art.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/