The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
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Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
road rage
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers