the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
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Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession