the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
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That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?