The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
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*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way