The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
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Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff