The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
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I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”