The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
You Might Also Like
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
dads on road-trips be like
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room