The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
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My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….