@Old_Pat_Bren

The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.

@KimmyMonte

Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment

@naazihah

Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.

@wildethingy

Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
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@skickwriter

Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.

@Arroia

Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.

@OkieGirl405

My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog

@AlisonAgosti

If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally

@brryyccceee

My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.