The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
You Might Also Like
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
🤔😂😂
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that