The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
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BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
pelicons
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
hear me out : pockets for your socks
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.