The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
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The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
This is why I hate group projects
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.