The worst thing you can do while cleaning is sit down for a minute 馃槶
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Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
My Plans 2020
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte馃檮
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I鈥檒l have what she鈥檚 having
Her: two divorces then please
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I鈥檓 not going. That鈥檚 exercise.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok