The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
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Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did