The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
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customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Me as a therapist: omg same
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.