The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
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My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps