The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
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I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Sheep
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow