the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
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Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She