The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
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Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Autocorrect completely socks
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?