[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
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[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]