The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
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The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
LMAO
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
#math
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me