The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
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Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
こいつ天才
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are