the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
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Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?