The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
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Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no