The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
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Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Brilliant!
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.