the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
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academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan