The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
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Meanwhile in Canada…
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”