The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
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I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Please do it!
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras