the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
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I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.