The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
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whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Air conditioning – not a fan
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying