The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.
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pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”
Rt to bother an English speaker
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
(yawn)
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
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It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.