The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the

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HER: I’m an animal activist.

ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.


[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]


Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.



Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.

3 y/o: what?

Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.


Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.


overrated: crying in the shower

underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos


Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.

Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.


This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.

Must be doing something wrong.


Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is