@Reverend_Scott

The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the

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@clichedout

HER: I’m an animal activist.

ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.

@pleatedjeans

[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]

@Parkerlawyer

Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.

@urmumsausername

3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!

Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.

3 y/o: what?

Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.

@BoomBoomBetty

Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.

@Love_bug1016

overrated: crying in the shower

underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos

@Tmoney68

Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.

Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.

@Area51eh

This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.

Must be doing something wrong.

@drebastion

Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is