@WonderMonkey78

The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.

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@itsleonbabey

pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob

@ConorOToole

Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old

@goldengateblond

PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.

@GaryDelaney

I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“Cuz im going too fast?”

Cop: Yes, slow down.

“But it’s been 6 months-”

Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.

@XplodingUnicorn

Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?

5-year-old: A baby.

Woman: What kind of baby?

5-year-old: A human one.

Nailed it.