The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.

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pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob


Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old


PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.


I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.


Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“Cuz im going too fast?”

Cop: Yes, slow down.

“But it’s been 6 months-”

Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.


Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?

5-year-old: A baby.

Woman: What kind of baby?

5-year-old: A human one.

Nailed it.