The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
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Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.