@WonderMonkey78
@kamiekaymee IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
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@kamiekaymee 
@SamInspired I’ll be mad as hell!
@TitaniumToplass It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
@wildethingy I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
@itsleonbabey pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
@ConorOToole Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
@goldengateblond PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
@GaryDelaney I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
@Reverend_Scott Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
@XplodingUnicorn Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.