The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
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[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
a public service announcement
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
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