the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
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*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist