The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
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If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.