[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
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Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”