The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
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Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
She: I like Cats
He:
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
the rocks need my help
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
You wish you had this many chins.