the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
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Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.